Gazing Away

Your children do not belong to you. They represent life extension. They come after you, but not for you, and act not in the manner you live.

You may give them love, but actually not being able to give them thoughts, because they have their own minds.

You may give them a home, but it is not where their minds reside, because their hearts will already fly to their tomorrow's home.

You may love them with every effort, but actually cannot request them to love you back.......


Long，YingTai

Some roads, one can walk alone only. I found that fact slowly, the relationship of so-called parents and children means the fate of your affinity with them in this life, is only unceasingly gazing them away gradually far and further, and seeing only their backs or shadows.

The first day my son went to Elementary School, I hold his hand and walked him through several streets. That was beginning of September. Apple trees and pear trees in every yard were decorated full of fist size fruits. Sagging from heavy loads and exceeding fence walls, branches hook on pedestrian's hair. Many children were in school play ground waiting for the first school bell. Their small hands were hold by their Mom or Dad’s hands. Their timid eyes were looking around. They were kindergarten graduating classes, but they had not learned a law: one graduation forever is another learning start.

When the bell sounded, persons and shadows rushed immediately toward all different directions. But in such a chaotic crowd, I watched incomparably clearly my own child's back, just like in chaos of hundred babies loud crying, you still could recognize that one voice accurately. He carried a colorful book bag proceeding ahead, but he turned head unceasingly, it was like passing through an endless space and time perpetual flow, and his line of sight and mine separated the spatial rendezvous. I watched his tiny and thin back vanished in the gate.

When he was 16 years old, he went to the US as an exchange student for one year. I sent him away at the airport. When hugged him goodbye as usual, my head could only reach to his chest, like grasping giraffe's foot. He was very obviously reluctant enduring mother's affection. He was in the long line waiting for passport examination. I stood outside proceeding with my eyes watching his back inch by inch away. Finally it was his turn, only paused a short moment at the customs window, he took back his passport, dodged into a leaf door, not being seen swiftly. I had been waiting, waiting for his last head turn and a glance before his vanish. But he did not have, did not have one.

He is 21 year old now and in the University that happens to be the University where I am teaching. But even if it is the same route to school, he is not willing to ride in my vehicle. Even if he takes the same bus ride to school, he puts on earphone, for music which only one person can hear, a gate had been shut tightly. Sometimes I look down from our tall building window, see him waiting for public bus across the street, a thin and tall young figure, and his eye looking away to the gray sea. I can only imagine his intrinsic world could be as profound as mine with mighty waves, but I cannot visit. When bus comes to the stop, it blocks his figure. After bus left, it leaves an empty street, only a mail box stands.

I found that fact slowly, the relationship of so-called parents and children means the fate of your affinity with them in this life, is only unceasingly gazing them away gradually far and further, and seeing only their back shadows. You stand at one end of an alley, watching that he gradually vanishes in place where alley turns, moreover, his back silently tells you: Do not need to chase after! I realized it slowly that my desolate, as if is connected with someone’s back.

After obtained my Doctorate degree, I returned to teach. For my first working day, my father drove me a long distance to the University with his inexpensive horse-feed delivery pickup. Upon arrival, I noticed he did not stop at the main entrance, but at a narrow lane near the side entrance. After unloading the baggage, he crawled back into the pickup, started engine trying to go back, but he rolled down the window, extended his head and said: “my daughter, daddy thought that is improper to you. This vehicle is not really suitable to drop off a professor here.” I watched him back up the pickup carefully, puffed group black smoke, drove out of narrow lane entrance, until it turned and could not be seen. I still stood there, next to a leather suitcase.

More than ten years later, I visited him each week at the hospital. Pushing his wheelchair to take a walk, his head hung down to the chest. Once, discovered that the excreta drenched had filled his trouser legs coverings, I squatted down help him with my handkerchief to clean, my skirt has also stained with the excrement, but I had no time to change and must hurry to flight back to work. The nurse took back his wheelchair, I picked up my handbag, watched the back of the wheelchair, stopped only momentarily at the automatic glass door, disappeared after then. I was used to always rush to the airport in the twilight.

In front of the fire door in the Crematory, the coffin looked like a giant and heavy drawer, sliding ahead slowly. I had not thought that I stood so closely, only 5 yards away. Fine rain was slanting and breeze was blowing, fluttering the corridor. I plundered rain soaked forehead hair, stared deeply, hoped remembering this last gazing after.

I found that fact slowly, the relationship of so-called parents and children means the fate of you affinity with them in this life, is only unceasingly gazing them away gradually far and further, and seeing only their back shadows. You stand at one end of an alley, watching that he gradually vanishes in place where alley turns, moreover, his back silently tells you: Do not need to chase after!